The last month or so, my migraines have gotten worse. More frequent. Longer lasting. More severe.
The current one? Today is day six.
I have medication. A new one as of Friday that’s supposed to keep them from happening as often or as severely. A less new one that works just well enough to keep me functional, meaning I can deal with normal sound and light without curling up in a ball sobbing, but not necessarily do my job since auctions tend to be significantly louder than typical daily life.
I’ve started losing time. Not in a “I know I asked and you answered, but what was your answer?” way, but in a “I was talking to one person and planning my response and the next thing I knew I was talking to another person” way. Each time, as soon as I “woke up”, I knew I’d missed something, with only one exception so far.
My thought processes are getting weird and scary, too. Like the plan to use the weird scissors to open the can. One day last week when I was on my way home, I briefly considered running my car into a pole so I wouldn’t have to drive the rest of the way home. In both of those instances, I was aware that bodily harm was a likely outcome. It wasn’t the plan in either case, but I also didn’t care.
The hair thing, too, is weird. I want to cut my hair like some people want to cut their wrists. It’s not right.
I saw my doctor about my migraines and the lost time on Friday. It wasn’t until Friday evening, yesterday, and today that all the other stuff really started coming together for me that maybe I should talk to my psychiatrist about squeezing me in ASAP, so I’ll be calling him as soon as offices open Tuesday.
Anyway, I have a brain scan scheduled for this Friday morning. I need them to find something. I know that sounds stupid, because who WANTS to have a tumor or whatever, right? I just need this to not be all in my head, so to speak. I need to not be crazy just because I’m crazy. I need this to be something tangible and fixable and not something I’m going to have to medicate and cope with and subject my family to for the rest of my life, because if these past few days are only the beginning, I just cannot see how I’m going to deal.